My True Story

I was voted the quietest girl in my graduating class back in 1995, and when I look at how much bolder and more confident I’ve become, I can’t help but smile.  I remember having that picture taken for the yearbook, thinking about how incredibly shy and quiet I must have been my whole life to be recognized as the quietest.  I picture the 150 or so of my classmates, filing out the superlative ballot, thinking to themselves, “Quietest…hmmm, who never says anything?”  The fact that my name came to mind so often says a lot, at least about the person I was back then.

There’s still a part of that shy, quiet girl in me, especially now, as I sit here trying to tell my story.  My true story.  The one I’ve hidden from the world for as long as it’s been a story to tell.  I believe that we all evolve as we encounter and overcome challenges.  As I’ve moved through life, I have managed to find my voice, make it a little louder and a little more persistent. I’ve applied that stronger voice to many aspects of my life with great results.  That quiet girl shared with the world a tragedy that almost destroyed parts of her family, and as a result signed a publishing contract to further share that story.  She planned a benefit night and 5K race for charities, raising over $11,000 in less than a year, all to run two marathons in six months.  I have definitely come out of my shell and found my voice, yet up to this point, have kept my true story under wraps.  Why?  Shame.  Embarrassment.  Fear.

Today is the day I finally, after so much time, feel strong enough to share my story.  Over the last year, I have transformed, probably more so than any other time period in my life.  I see the bigger picture of life, and I am able to see that there is power in what I have struggled to overcome.  Power to help others, and power to continue to heal.  If sharing my story can help one person, than it will have been worth it, so here goes.

I have an eating disorder.  I have struggled with this since high school, and it has followed me into adulthood.  It all unraveled almost without my even realizing what I was doing.  I’d been an overweight middle schooler, and after deciding to play field hockey in high school, the weight fell off.  I wish I’d been able to see that simply adding exercise to my routine was all I’d needed, but that’s not how my mind framed it.  Following the season, I found myself fearful of regaining weight, and I developed unhealthy habits.  I remember hiding out in different places at school during lunch so that no one would know I wasn’t eating.  I spent summer days, sometimes taking in little to nothing all day.  I so clearly recall the day I was laying out by the pool in my bikini, looking at my torso, and I could actually see my heart beat.  Now, looking back, I realize how bad that was, though at the time I felt proud.  I’ve had times in my life when I have felt like I’d conquered this demon, only to have it come back with a vengeance, a response to stress that causes my mind to revert back to distorted perceptions.

So, why share this now?  Because I am currently in the longest stretch of being a healthy eater that I have ever been in since I began this battle.  The changes I’ve made to my life over that last year has created a strength that makes me want to share this with others, to use my story to  help others get well.  I have had too many moments of hopelessness, and I want to instill hope in others.  I have big ideas of what I’d love to do to accomplish this, but a good place to start s to share why I think I’m in such a good place right now.  There are two major factors that I feel are working together to heal what’s been broken for so long.

First, I have become an athlete. This transformation began as I formed a relationship with an incredible personal trainer who helped my discover strength I never saw in myself, and continued as I became a marathoner.  Not a one-timer like I’d planned, but someone who wants to runs marathons well.  I have my running coach to thank for believing in me and encouraging me, because his influence is making me set goals that I knew cannot be accomplished without proper nutrition.  My desire to perform is one force that seems to overpower the part of my mind that has caused me to relapse before, so I will continue to set goals to perform well, and I will continue to fuel my body in order to reach those goals.

The second piece of what I think is going to help me remain in this healthy state is everything I’ve learned about nutrition and the nutrition system I discovered during my NYC Marathon training.  I met with a physical therapist during training who said something to me, the very first time I met him, that struck me as one of the most profound statements I’ve ever heard.  

“Everything you put into your body either nourishes and fuels it, or poisons it.”

Simple, but lasting in a way that I will forever be grateful.  He introduced me to the importance of taking in enough calories, and especially protein, during training. He helped me find the most nutritional protein shake available.  I took it further and began doing my own research into how the body works, what nutrients contribute to the different ways the body works.  I started learning about toxins and adaptogens, amino acids and protein, and I cannot get enough of this.  It is, without a doubt, the most I’ve ever known about nutrition and what I need to supplement to the whole foods that I eat everyday.  What I’ve learned is exactly what I needed to create something balanced for both my body and my mind.

I’m sure that, as this revelation I’m making evolves into my way of helping others, I will get into the psychology of what goes on inside the mind of a person with an eating disorder and why the the nutrition system I’m using meets my needs so perfectly.  For now, just know that I am the healthiest I have been, perhaps ever in my life, in part because of what I have discovered.

What’s next for me with all of this??  I have so many ideas, so many thoughts about how I can help people avoid getting into this situation at all, or help them join me in this better place I’ve finally found.  It’ll take time, though.  I’ve just shared with the world what only a tiny circle of people knew, and that was the first step.

What’s next for you?  React to this.  Please.  It took years to share this broken part of myself.  Offer support or criticism.  Tell me you’re proud of me, or disappointed in me.  Ask me questions.  React somehow, but silence after sharing something this big would be the worst possible outcome.

And share it, however you share things.  Email, Tweet, FB.  If you keep a blog, I’d be happy to post it as a guest blogger.  If I’d read something like this way back when, I would have reached out to this person.  Maybe you will share it with one person you never knew was struggling, and maybe you will save a life.