Boston 2014 was a special one, though, and when I'd heard that the Greg Hill Foundation was fielding a marathon team, I jumped at the chance to support them. 2014 was a year when the marathon was not just a race, but a statement that evil never wins, not in Boston. I've described, quite often, how that training experience affected me, knowing what it really means to support a charity and carry its mission in your heart, and how it feels to accomplish a feat that you thought impossible just months before. I recall describing to my coach how hard it was to have the journey come to an end, and his words still resonate with me: It doesn't have to be an end, let it be the beginning of a greater journey. I took those words to heart, and in the process, through the good and bad aspects, I will be a changed and better person for it.
The Sport
Undoubtedly, I know more about running than I ever have. As a runner, I have discovered how to use my resting heart rate to determine my workout intensity, the importance of nutrition when training seriously, and the way a high and consistent cadence can transform your running. I feel different when I run now, having adjusted my form and given proper attention to my mechanics. I now know what it means to run efficiently, and it feels amazing. My workouts are totally different, no longer just covering miles, but incorporating cross-training, as well as interval and tempo runs. When I walked into training the first time, I was intimidated by what I saw, feeling insecure amongst all of the real runners. A year later, I am talking about cadence and intervals, planning nutrition days out, and running prescribed splits. I am looking up to athletes like Shalane Flanagan, Kara Goucher, and Meb, names I didn't know a year ago.
Life
As a person, this continuing journey has changed me as well, and just like running has its moments of challenge, it hasn't always been pretty. In addition to discovering strength and perseverance and a genuine capacity to care and devote time to things outside of my own little world, I uncovered aspects of myself of which I am not proud. We all have them, and it's easy to pretend they're not there, but more noble and satisfying to acknowledge them and actively decide to better those aspects. I know what they are, I've suffered pain and loss as a result of them, but will come out on the other side a better person for having to face and explore ways to fix them.
In less than two weeks, and just over a year after running Boston, I will run my third marathon. That still takes me aback a little. I ran Boston in 5:39 and six months later ran NYC in 4:21. I am sure that cutting so much time off is what inspired me to set a goal of qualifying for Boston in 2016; That, and the fact that my coach believed in my ability, a belief that has crushed many of my own demons of doubt.
I have trained harder for this race than I ever have for anything, been more focused on nutrition than ever before, and I am running better than I have in my life. Providence will be my first real attempt at a Boston Qualifier, and I am terrified of failing. After all of the hard work I've put in over these last few months, I am so afraid of doing something in the next two weeks to sabotage it all. I've never been good at tapering, the physical or mental aspects, and I am afraid of messing it up. I'm scared that I'll do too much or too little, frightened that I'm not strong enough to manage my own doubt, that it'll trump my ability.
My hope is that, deep down inside, my dreams are bigger than my fears, and the confidence and positive attitude that guides me through life in general are more powerful than my doubt. My hope is that, no matter what happens on May 3rd, this little runner will come out okay on the other side of the finish line, BQ or not.
In the words of Chad Lebouf, the man whose spirit started me on this journey: Go big or go home.
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